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:icontazi-san: More from Tazi-san

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Submitted on
January 30, 2013


15 (who?)
  • Mood: Neutral
  • Listening to: Adventures in Odyssey
Hey fellow Deviants!

I've been rather quiet on here lately because I'm in the process of sorting out my life, career, spirit, etc. 2012 was also a rough year where I faced some tough battles in the mind and heart.  It revealed that there were some very serious fears, bitterness, anger, rejection, depression that I needed to resolve inside and with others.  I'm still on the process of resolving them as I build a new lifestyle centered around a deeper walk with Christ. No more rushing ahead on my own devices. It's not enough to read bible go to church go home--we have to have a circulating, living, breathing communication and love with God (cant stress enough how useful fasting is). I kept holding back from that because that level of vulnerability and loss of control is scary but that's where trust comes in. Jesus allowed himself to be vulnerable to us so I can fellowship with him in that because he is the living Heart of God.

I also realized even more the depth of my human weakness and depravity and just how much I really need him.  Call me weak but the irony is our weakness becomes his strength because we give him more room to work through us. He have given me a lot of gifts and abilities but...

"...Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me" (2 Corinthians 12:7-9).

We become less as we become more and I would say that is the ultimate goal of a Christ-follower on this planet.  That is certainly the good thing that came out of 2012.

I find it interesting that the number 12 in the Bible means the "Perfection of Government."

Sure I read about these principles in the Bible and knew them well but experiencing it is a whole new world.  STUFF JUST GOT REAL 0_0

It's a harder but better life, you feel alive instead of dead and numb. No wonder returning veterans miss the exhilaration and purpose of combat and the iron-clad bonds they forged with their comrades.  When you come back to civilian life you're suddenly at a loss and I an relate to that.

It also impacted my art life--that is an integral part of me because I was called to the creative by God.  I realized that I didn't really have a set direction to focus on and that's a disaster for a one-track personality like mine. My gallery feels quite scattered and when I got pumped on a project I feel like God quenched my enthusiasm because it was not a direction he wanted me to pour my energy into.

I was torn because I wanted to do SOMETHING but I didn't want to do something outside his purpose only for it to end in futility.  This resulted in a lot of unfinished projects and broken dreams. I just feel there has been a lot of even spiritual resistance against my drawing.

A friend said (you know who you are!) "Your drawing is a main way God designed you to share Him with the world, so of course there's resistance.  I'm glad you aren't going to take it anymore."

That really hit a nail :-) And yeah, I got sick and tired enough of sitting in my cesspit to want to throw myself on God wild crazy freedom. When you're used to bondage real freedom looks scary but it's WONDERFUL. You just have to be desperate enough and the passage in Matthew 5 about "hungering and thirsting for righteousness" really rings a bell. I started losing hope that I could overcome this and God could change me but I just had to get sick enough of the stagnation and my pride. The way the crowds followed Jesus to the point where they almost crushed him just reflects their desperation and how desperate I need to be.

I was afraid of giving up my personal projects and letting them go to him. But this is a good thing because I can't put my art above him so I allowed him to just clear off the desk and wipe the canvas clean.  I can't love the gift more than the Giver, so I decided to let it all go.  I asked him for a project and I feel I received something new and fresh from him.  So I am timely working on it as more new things develop.  I don't care if I'm tired after work, I will still do what I can, even just a paragraph of script or concept doodle.

A lot of people ask God to take away their troubles but he uses them to grow you.

One time when I was praying and a funny image came in my head to illustrate this.
You know how when you play an RPG like Final Fantasy and you're too weak to move on in the game?  You find that one area on the map full of strong monsters, whip out your best weapons, and do some level grinding. (My area of choice in FFV being that Dinosaur Forest). I kept trying to do things my own way and Satan would just totally dance on my head. Those demons would come after me in my prideful weakness and WHAM, there went all my HP. But I had to keep trying and eventually I leveled up and made a joke out of those monsters.  Same way God allows certain demons to come after you mentally, physically, spiritually. They will be like the Joker to your Batman so you better stand on Christ the Solid Rock and KNOW THE TRUTH.

The twisting and perversion seemed to happen to no end to the point where I even had trouble discerning reality.  I was living in an illusion and I was watching characters in my mind have a life instead of taking action and having a life of my own. I was using my power of character creation for my own selfish desires instead of using them to help others. Satan used my own characters against me and I ate it up!  How low is that!? It even isolated me from my family and my nieces and nephews who love me because I'd rather stay home in my head than go and visit them.

That's what vice does.  Your dependency on anything but God makes your love for others grow cold. If you depend on God, you would have an unlimited resource to fill you with plenty extra to share with others.

It's like how Satan tempted Jesus for 40 days in the wilderness, trying to persuade him to use his powers for himself. But he succeeded where I failed because instead of turning that stone into bread for himself, he later multiplied the fish and bread to feed OTHERS. He had the power to deny himself and I must draw from that power.

My imagination is big but that tends to leave it susceptible to spiritual attack if it is not protected with truth and submission to the Holy Spirit. I find you are especially susceptible if you are gifted with the creative because the creative has the power to bypass the mind and reach straight into the heart. That's why powerhouses like Elvis, Michael Jackson, Whitney were so attacked because they had the power to move souls to God (with style). (Any celebrity in general with the power of influence for that matter. People are watching every detail of their life but instead of walking a walk worth emulating many of their lives are even more dysfunctional than mine!  Then we love to watch them fall.  We don't truly love our celebrities...:sad: )

Well those are my thoughts for the moment.

I hope everyone is doing well in their projects and life!

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YosemiteDen Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I'll be praying for you. :3
SightBlind Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2013   General Artist
You are an inspiration :) thank you for sharing this; it's both empowering and humbling, and a blessing all the same.
SCPilot Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013
I've been in the same boat myself a couple times, but the good Lord was there for me. To carry me when life decided to whack me upside the head. He looks out for you and takes care of you. I am thankful that he gave me the talent to be creative. To create exciting worlds for others to read and share in my joy of imagination. Because God gave us the power of imagination so we can be closer to him. Because he wants us to be creative. He wants us to bring wonderful music, art, and stories to others, so that they too will go on and continue the cycle. He inspires to dig deep and be the artist he knows that we can be. It might take a while, but patience is a virtue.

Good luck and God bless you Taz! *Hugs*
Pokeninjagirl Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm going through some crap too.
living-stone Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013
This touched me for a variety of reasons and I wanted to thank you for you choosing to open yourself up and writing this down for others to see. Others like myself can relate to some of the things you said. Having you write about the trials and also the hope we all have in Christ during those times not only makes you relateable in the hard times but have hope for better times as we press in to Him. Thank you and take care:)
NuclearCookout Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Professional Writer
This really hits close to home. I have also been going through a time of hardcore refining in my spiritual life. The end of December was especially difficult -- I've felt a bit like Job.

As for my creative life, I write and draw, but mostly the former -- it's something God has called me to do. In the case of 2012, the problem was motivation. Tons of distractions and lots of spiritual warfare sapped my will to be creative multiple times (and as you said, people with the gift of creativity are an especially delicious target for the demonic). Plus, I was being selfish in that I was ignorantly allowing myself to be distracted instead of seeking God more deeply.

It is indeed true that "God allows certain demons to come after you mentally, physically, spiritually," to keep us humble and seeking Him. It's all part of refining, and the refining process is indeed painful; but as the impurities are filtered out, the Craftsman has greater use for us.

It seems that a lot of us have been going through major refining lately, and I feel as though God is preparing us for something. I believe we are entering a new season that will require more out of us (in terms of our ability to handle leadership, trials, etc), but will also be a time of greater benefit.

Stay strong in Him!
oogaboogaz Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013
Tazi-san, you should also read in Matthew 6:25. That hit the nail in me. I also read about the false prophets and learned the hard way about my decision. I thanked god for guiding me into the truth. In fact, he was with us before we knew it.

That artistic gift was givin to you for a reason. You made incredible art based off the bible! Use that gift for what you can gain because you are the salt of the earth. Sure, their are a lot of distractions here in 'the system of things', but you should always put our Lord first. He will provide the things you'll need because he loves you.
glitcher Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
That's quite a long read, but still rather vague on the details of your depression or this 'project' of yours. I can understand if you're going through a protracted art block like that previous journal entry where you decried, "I can't draw!" If this project of yours gives you something to do, then why would you stop just because it's outside of your natural gifts? The way you talk makes it sound like God has shackled you to your artwork, and that worries me because it's a classic example of taking faith to unhealthy extremes.

Your phrase "Your dependency on anything but God makes your love for others grow cold" is particularly disconcerting. What's wrong with being dependant on other things? I depend on my art as a means of expression, I depend on music to keep me in the mood to paint, heck I even depend on good old video games to relieve me of my boredom. There's room for more in your life besides God, and I believe He would judge you by what you accept rather than what you shut out.

A singular dependency becomes an obsession, and I think the fact that you can't write anything outside of a religious context is evidence of that. Someone once said "Too much of anything is bad for you", so you might feel better if you diversify. After all, your reliance on God doesn't seem to have fulfilled you, otherwise you wouldn't be writing this despondent journal entry in the first place. Am I wrong?
freelancemanga Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013
Jesus's reply to "Which is the greatest commandment" is probably one of the most significant to me. But it does leave one question in my mind:

How does one love God?
born911 Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Beautifully said sis. Keep fighting the good fight of faith.
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