I realize I've been selling myself VERY short.
When I read a lot of your comments on DA and listen to friends and family who have followed my work, they say I am good to go professional. Whether it be by fear or low-esteem I've just held myself back for years. It's pathetic to write this on a screen and I know I project differently, but in reality my esteem is 6-feet under and even when people pay me complements I don't truly believe them because I have been acid washed by negativity all my life it feels like it's the order of the day.
I dunno, It's like I'm just terrified and freeze up and have little faith about it. My environment doesn't help and burdens me down with even more. It's just toxic.
I find that it all comes back to one lie I have believed since I was a child, that I wouldn't amount to anything. Or even if I start, I won't have the endurance to see it through to the end. But that was assuming I'd be doing everything alone. So my prayer is that God would just send the right people my way because I know I would thrive if I have the right team with the right vision, but most of all I will have all the strength and resources I need if Jesus would keep his hand on me.
I also sincerely believe that people are the same and will eventually bail on me, even people in my faith fellowship. I've been disappointed SO MANY times I am just incapable of fully trusting anyone. Everything is just so half-hearted even in my art these days. It's like I don't really enjoy doing anything. Like everything is blank because I feel like I'm running through quicksand and something keeps sucking my energy dry.
My little nephew asked me once what my worst fear was. He thought I was going to say "death" but I reminded him that Jesus already defeated death. My worst fear is futility. I'm terrified of letting all the abilities God gave me go to waste, it just makes it worse because I am AWARE of what I am capable of. I am terrified of wasting my life on something that is not to God's glory because you know if you're in his will, you will be the most fulfilled.
WASTE MY TIME
Getting over old fears and lies... perhaps I just need a little vacation.